Why do people say this? What idiot invented this phrase? And whoever replies to news of a break-up with this phrase deserves to be shot. Not fatally, just in the face in a way that results in them needing massive reconstructive surgery so they look as retarded as they are. 

Think back to your last break-up. Regardless of what happened, you were probably a miserable emotional trainwreck for a while afterward that mostly, because humans are morons, was too distracted by constant thoughts of “what went wrong?” and “i wonder if i can fix it…” to function normally in society. unless you were relieved to get away from your partner, in which case you’re probably a selfish idiot who only dates emotionally needy people who feed your ego. Or you’re gay. Gays are such whores. 

Anyway, so you’re at a bar, someplace dark where other patrons think your raccoon eyes are sexy, and where you can sit because you’re so depressed you can’t be bothered to stand while you consume your tear-diluted red wine. You’re trying your best not to hate the world and hope that somehow you’ll stop thinking about how shitty you feel for a few minutes. To others you look like an insane bug-eyed freak who might have a lit stick of dynamite up his or her ass. That’s okay though, ‘cause interacting with others will make it all better…

Nope. Even if you’re doing a good job at not mentioning your boyfriend ex, someone will ask about them. Or someone will ask if you’re single. For a moment you hesitate, rethinking a proper response which will change the subject immediately. You manage to avoid blurting out the thoughts you’re to ashamed to admit you think, such as, “I’m technically single but I can’t even masturbate without thinking about my ex cumming on my tits,” or, “I slept with a dirty shirt of his from the hamper the other night because the bed didn’t smell enough like him.” YOU know you’re a freak, but the rest of the world doesn’t need to. So you keep any mentioning of the break-up short and sweet. Then SOMEONE has to say it…

There’s other fish in the sea? Oh thanks. That’s exactly what I want to think about. Dating new people. Though I don’t know when I’ll have the time… I booked a year-long trip to Southeast Asia to study buddhism, with a layover in Africa where I plan to get my labia sewn shut. Fuck off.

You think that makes anyone feel better? Plenty of “fish” out there? You’re not the fisherman, you’re the dumb fucker who fell for the bait. You see something that looks good, begin sharing your deepest secrets, play around with it, and have a blast prior to them shoving a knife in you and pulling out all of your guts. Because that’s what losing something you loved with someone you loved feels like… like you were sliced open and hallowed out. Then suddenly you’re talking to yourself because there’s no one on the other side of the couch anymore. 

If you were just friends, you’d be great friends. Maybe for life. However, you two were naked together too much, and now you need space from each other. Why would anyone ever willingly do this? Why would anyone CHOOSE this? “Hey dude, my genitals really like you and I think you’re overall a rad person I’d totally be friends with and love to hang out so how about we have sex, a lot, and put worthless labels on our conditional friendship that may end without notice for hundreds of reasons due to unrealistic expectations we have of one another. Yeah, you’re not allowed to just be a person. I expect you to be THE MOST AWESOME PERSON EVER. Seriously. It’s essentially your job to be so awesome I won’t ever want any other friends. 

Relationships are stupid.