Heathonist

For my sugar dick.

Excerpts from my first book, Blow Me, Cupid : A Tale of Self Sabotaged Love, Loathing, and Internet Trolling

to be released this summer

I’m a cunt.

On Monday I received some promotional crap thing in the mail from Kohls. I don’t shop at Kohls because everything they sell is absolutely hideous, overpriced, and looks like it would fall apart after a single wash. However, back a couple of years ago when the economy was better and I was making more money then I ever had in my life before, I remember stopping in a Kohls by my old apartment to try and find a birthday present for my mom and spending $200 on candles and cheap underwear (like $200 was nothing because I was making that much money so why not blow it on candles). I mostly bought these candles that smelled like my ex’s cologne (which was just… the best smell ever and looking back I should have just spent the $200 on a bottle of the cologne to wear myself but I’m stupid). for the longest time I remember calling them “__(insert his name here)__ candles” because I’m a total freak. This was not me unable to deal with a break-up, because I broke up with him. I just loved his smell.

So back to the mail I got the other day from Kohls. There was a $10 gift card attached. I figured I could find something cheap I may want (I didn’t need any candles because I still have some laying around… god I have problems). I went to Kohls, browsed rack after rack of hideous piece of crap clothing, went to the sunglasses, didn’t feel like paying $30 for Mudd brand sunglasses (are you kidding me? isn’t that like, a step above kmart brand? even H&M has cheap decent sunglasses for $6-$7). I finally got to the underwear, was horrified by everything I saw, until I found this little gem of a hot pink and white striped bandeau.

I’m super into neon this spring. I’ve been wearing nothing but black & white for over 3 years. It’s weird. But this ended up costing $7 so with my $10 gift card, it was free. That’s right, I walked out of a store with merchandise I didn’t pay for and I did it legally. I know you kids who have your parents still buy your shit don’t understand how exciting it is to get free clothes, but when you’re broke after college, you will.

So I made this stupid gif because I’ve been in a really bizarre mood lately. Enjoy.

(sorry for the tangent)

I love that little talk bubble indicator that someone’s typing, and when you say something that makes them uncomfortable or leaves them speechless, watching it flash on & off, and you can almost see them staring at their computer screen, wide eyed with confused looks on their faces.

Typing. Deleting. Typing. Deleting.

and when I say I love it, I mean I hate it.

Fuck facebook.

“The true aesthetic moment hangs in suspension between pornography and didacticism, don’t you agree?” -Steven Colbert talking art with James Franco

I still can’t decide whether James Franco is secretly brilliant and just incredibly awkward yet cute about it, or if he’s a much better actor (faker) than we give him credit for.

I also still can’t decide whether I want to fuck him or not… who am I kidding? I’d let him pound the shit out of me.

This is the actress they cast to play the adult version of Michelle (Mary Kate & Ashley Olson) in Full House during a flash forward fantasy scene.

This is sort of what I feel like my life should have been like, and WOULD have been like if my parents were less “miserably self-destructive crazy” and more “quirky fun crazy.” Also, if my little brother was gay. I tried to make him gay. I honestly thought he would be since he was gross and pervy and weird like all disgusting little boys are. But no. He had to be a boring, straight jock. At one point when we were kids, he was rebellious and stubborn just like me, then my parents enrolled him in every sport they could fit in his schedule. Eventually, that broke his spirits and he mellowed out and became the type of person who seeks stability, routine, and the familiar. I grew up to be the exact opposite. Coincidently, my brother and I were both born on the exact same day, 5 years apart. We were both accidents. We were were the only siblings. We were like twins until my parents had the brilliant idea to raise us completely different to ensure we’d be as opposite as possible. Because, you know, boys need to play sports so they don’t grow up to be fags and girls can sit at home and make art until they find some dude to marry them.

I still hope that one day when we’re older, my brother will come out to me and we can get drunk and go dancing in boystown.

But this. This should have been my family.